You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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