Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
