one word: firstdatebathroomanal
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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