it's too hot outside to masturbate.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
