one two three fourrrrnication!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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