Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
