On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just forgot I was standing up.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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