so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
