I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
