i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
