i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
