it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
