I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
