I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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