He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
