she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
