I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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