i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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