U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
