highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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