remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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