I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
