i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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