she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
