I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
