Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Of course I have a pirate flag
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
