all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
