This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
