My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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