That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
