I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
