I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
