You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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