Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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