you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
