how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
