I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
