Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize