Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
