She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
