Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
