I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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