He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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