here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sorry about my life...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
