Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
