Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
