How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
