Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
