Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
