Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize