Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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