It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
