We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
