WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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