Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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