I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
