I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
