a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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