dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
