Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
