So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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