if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He told me they were just razor bumps!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
