I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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