There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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