The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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