got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
