Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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