my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm getting married
To pizza
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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